| Wasted Friendships |
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| 11:12am 21/04/2007 |
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mood:  thankful
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I realize now that i have wasted many wonderful friendships. When I moved to beresford, there wasn't a lot of good things in my life and i shut almost everyone out. this was a mistake. I've come to realize that I shouldn't have been focusing my attention on some stupid boyfriend, but the lasting relationships i had with my friends. I am trying to build those up once again, but i am finding that i was so wrong to leave and close everyone out of my life. I had so many wonderful people who cared about me, and i just left without a word. I should have cherished my friendships. I now know that friendship is a two way street. thank you to all of you that have come back into my life just about as you were. I appreciate the eternal understanding of my friends
Love, Jenn |
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(Hit me!) |
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| Feeling ok |
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| 10:23am 19/04/2007 |
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mood:  indescribable
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It's nice to know that people still care. Mike and i have our disagreements, but we always seem to make up the very next day. I am so lucky to have found someone like him. He is never mean or hurtful. He is the most amazing man i know, and yet, i can still find things that annoy me. Mostly it's just that he can be a little thoughtless in that he would rather watch tv or be online than sit down and eat dinner with me. Our only real problems are with sex (most of you will probably stop reading right here, but i swear i won't give a detailed description) He wants sex less than he used to, and i want it the same amount. This is where our arguments begin, because i feel rejected and unattractive, and he just want to go to sleep because he has worked 8 plus hours of the day and he is tired and sore. When i'm sitting here in the mid morning, i can understand this, but at night something just switches and i can't see his point at all, i just feel sad that my husband doesn't 'want' me. I know he does, and i know he loves me just the way i am, but sometimes i can't help feeling that if i looked a different way, maybe things would be different. |
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(Hit me!) |
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| sad |
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| 11:19pm 17/04/2007 |
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mood:  crushed
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I'm so sad and upset right now that i could cry...oh wait, i already have. I knew marriage would be hard, but i didn't know it could be this hard. I don't think mike really understands me...I don't know if he just is a man and that means he can't truly understand the pile of crazy that i am, or if we are just so different that he just doesn't get me. I have so much anger and hurt that i am feeling towards him right now, and i just can't let it go, because he made me cry and he made me feel bad about myself, but he didn't even say anything, it was all in his actions. I don't think it was deliberate, but he made me feel so unattractive. I want him to desire me and find me appealing, but i don't think he does anymore, i think that he is just with me for our son. This was brought on by such a small thing, it's funny how these things can snowball. I just need to feel wanted, and i don't, and i want to know that he understands me, and he doesn't. I want a change. Nothing ever changes. I want him to understand that i want to be held, no matter what i say. I want to be reassured, even if i tell him to stop talking. I want to feel loved |
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(2 Face Hits | Hit me!) |
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| 04:00pm 07/04/2007 |
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mood:  pissed off
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I am so tired of doing nothing on the weekends... I want to spend time with mike since he works all week, but he just wants to take a fucking nap. I get to sit here quietly while he naps and maverick naps, and the whole fucking world naps. Goddamn it I just want to do something! I've never been so bored in all of my life and he just doesn't care. Sometimes i just want to slap him and say, i stay at home all week, i do not want to stay at home all weekend too! But he doesn't get it or he doesn't care, because all he does is takes a nap or watches crap on tv. I'M SICK OF IT! I wonder if it is just that he is so much older than me, and maybe i put this on myself, but i cannot live like this for the rest of my life i will go crazy. I went from being someone who was always on the go, to someone who is ALWAYS home. I just want to do something....anything will do. I'm so tired of getting so upset on the weekends because it is the same thing weekend after weekend, he NEVER wants to do anything and it's pissing me off. I guess this is what you get when you marry too young. We are in two different stages of life. I"m in the lets go out and have some fun stage and he is in the lets stay in and do absolutely fuckin nothing stage. FUCK FUCK FUCK. |
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(1 Face Hit | Hit me!) |
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| to work or not to work |
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| 03:08pm 03/04/2007 |
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mood: aggravated
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So everytime I tell someone i'm a stay at home mom they are like, oh really? I would be soooooo bored, like all i do all day long is sit on my arse. That is so obviously not the case. Lately my son is getting more independent, but it has been a lot of work to get to this point. I don't have a nanny or even a regular babysitter, my husband and i are the only ones who watch him on a regular basis. My mother sometimes takes him for a day or so, so that i can clean the house completely, or so my husband and i can actually spend some alone time together. It is so ridiculous to think that i am made to feel like i don't do anything by people who have NO idea what they are talking about, people who don't have kids, or people who have never even babysat a baby. I DON'T understand what makes people without kids think they know what it takes to raise one. Another thing that pisses me off is that older people think they know better just because they are older. It doesn't matter that I have a kid and they don't, it's that i am a teen mother, and i should be ashamed, because they know best! Screw that.
This is my rant of the day, thank you for listening at this very annoyed time. |
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(4 Face Hits | Hit me!) |
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| tired all the time |
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| 09:32am 03/04/2007 |
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mood: tired
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I am so tired alll the damn time...i wonder if i am pregnant? I guess it's a possibility and i really hope so, but somehow, i don't think that is it. I just haven't been sleeping...so i've been getting back up and going online and chatting...or getting on myspace, or facebook. As a result, I hardly ever get to fall asleep next to my husband...i miss that, we usually talk before bed and cuddle, now i come to bed after he is already asleep. it's sad, and i know i should just get up a little earlier in the morning so that i am really tired when he goes to bed. Anyway, enough of that. yesterday, my mom came down and we went to sioux falls to go shopping. After we were done getting groceries, we went to falls park, because the water was so damn high. It was so cool, except for the fact of the trash barrel in the middle of the freakin river. anyway, mav loved it...he wanted to run around all over, but of course he couldn't, so he got a lil mad. We left and came back home and sat around for the rest of the day. I think we were both a lil tired, so he didn't really do much either. Anyway, that was a snapshot of my day...see ya
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(Hit me!) |
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| adding to my previous entry |
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| 04:24pm 28/03/2007 |
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mood:  contemplative
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I was researching my former birth control online, and many many many sites came up for unexplained weight gain. I was using Depo Provera for almost a year and gained almost 50 lbs. I'm finding out that a lot of other users had this problem...so maybe this is why i started gaining weight before my pregnancy, and why it's been so hard to lose it. Depo messes with the appitite, usually causing intense cravings, and binge eating. anyway...just a little tidbit for anyone who might be on the shot.
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(Hit me!) |
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| weight |
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| 02:44pm 28/03/2007 |
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mood: frustrated
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Okay , so I was up until like three this morning, and then i got up at nine...i am draggin ass today. I need to clean my house, it's getting disgusting, but i just have no energy to do it. i was talking to Dalice online yesterday, it was actually a really nice conversation. i really like the fact that i have been getting in touch with a lot of my old friends. dalice told me i look 'different' than i used to. I realize now that this weight problem isn't all in my head. I need to do something about it, and fast. I don't want this to become my lifelong struggle. I better figure out how to fix it now. I wonder if i could do the grapefruit diet thing again? That brings my weight down super fast, but i don't know if it is a lasting solution...of course, if my stomach shrinks, i will obviously eat less....it's an idea. I guess, i'll have to check it out.
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(Hit me!) |
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| my day |
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| 07:13pm 23/03/2007 |
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mood:  awake
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Okay so today i woke up and kind of lazed around for quite a while...and then i decided to go get mike's check and cash it (well technically i didn't decide, i had to so i could have money to do what i did for the rest of the day) and go to sioux falls to meet bonnie at Carino's. well, it took me forever to get the check and get to sioux falls, so i had to speed the whole way there so that bonnie didn't think i was standing her up. Anyway, i got to Johnny Carino's at like 1:02 which is amazingly close to being on time. We ate desserts and talked for a while, but Mav was getting restless and we decided to go and get my new cell phone at the mall. Yay! I love it...it's the red krzr andit's so much cuter than my last one. Anyway. So then bonnie and i walked around the mall for a while until that got boring. then i dropped her off at her car, and went to go get some groceries. On the way home i picked up tacos (the first real food i had all day long) and realized that mav was probably getting hungrey, so i got him some chicken and tried to hand pieces of it back to him while going down the road and eating a burrito....needless to say, i wasn't focusing on anything completely when all of the sudden i look up and see a car in my lane on a two lane road....and it's not getting over to it's side....the car is just driving towards me, and for i second i don't know what i should do....i don't want to go in their lane for fear that they pay attention and decide to go back to their lane, and the ditch isn't looking too good either...just when i'm about to swerve into their lane, they turned...there is nothing i hate more than farmer turning lanes. Just thought i would share my freaky story with the rest of you. thank you for listening |
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(Hit me!) |
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| more extensive coverage |
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| 04:03pm 22/03/2007 |
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mood: calm
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I don't know why i always sound so whiny. I just called Damon and realized that i complain quite a lot without really meaning to. I really am happy with my life, but i could always be happier, i just miss being in touch with my old friends and so i would like to catch up and stay friends, it seems like the longer i wait, the less likely i am to keep my old friendships...i have been looking back on old entries, and all i really focused on was boys, i guess that is why i got pregnant at 17...but what can you do? Maverick is the best thing in my life, followed closely by my husband Mike...(by the way my family was horribly wrong about him, and now they love him). What i am trying to say...and i'm getting way off track...is that i miss my friends and i want you guys back!!!
Love,
Jenn |
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(10 Face Hits | Hit me!) |
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| i haven't died, i just had a baby |
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| 03:26pm 22/03/2007 |
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mood:  apathetic music: chili peppers: stadium arcadium
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I have changed so much i feel the need to fill anyone who is interested in,. I am now a married mother of one who does not smoke, drink or do anything remotely 'cool' Amazingly i still love my life and my husband. There is nothing better than being happy. And right now, I am happy. I do however miss having friends that i can talk to. There isn't really anyone in my life anymore that i can really open up to and i miss that...I'm not even sure who i'm talking to anymore...i guess i just need to feel heard. i miss my friends and i wish that my having a husband and a baby wouldn't affect the way people veiw me, but that just isn't the case...i'm a lonely desperate housewife...who'd a thunk it. |
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(Hit me!) |
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| i'm so damn tired |
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| 09:15am 17/02/2005 |
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mood: annoyed
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Am I in love, or am I kidding myself? Can someone nine years older than me ever truly be able to love me, or is it just something physical. I hate being unsure, and in my own mind, i'm not, but everyone keeps telling me that all Mike is around for is sex, and to watch out....I'm sick of watching out. I want someone that i can trust. Shit bell rang...more later! |
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(Hit me!) |
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| 02:20pm 09/02/2005 |
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mood: bitchy
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Hey y'all. I haven't updated in a while...haven't felt the need. I really want to hang out with some of you...and some of you not so much. Damon should call me sometime soon...or tell me whether or not he is living at home...hint hint. I miss him. i have an armwrestling competition on the 19th. I'm going to st joe missouri...yay....wish me luck. |
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(9 Face Hits | Hit me!) |
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| work, play and all that other stuff in between |
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| 12:41pm 21/12/2004 |
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mood:  confused music: Die die die~Metallica
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Hey everyone. I just got done with my second sem test of the day and i am thinking about a lot of stuff. Like what happened at work last night. I work with a guy who is generally pretty cool...but i don't know what to do about him, whenever anyone else is around, he is such a jerk to me, he yells at me and never talks to me, but as soon as everyone leaves he starts hitting on me and touching me and won't leave me alone. He has a girlfriend who also works with us, and of course i have Micheal....so i dont' know what to do about it, because i don't want to cause a fight at work, i like my job...and i don't mind him as a person..so i dont' know if i should tell someone, or just try and tell him to stop...which hasn't worked in the past. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....::runs away::
Love,
Jenn |
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(Hit me!) |
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| caught |
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| 02:50pm 17/12/2004 |
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mood: stressed music: Live like you were dyin
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Okay so it seems that i am always caught, but that isn't really a huge problem. I was at Mike's the other night and my brother and my mom come knocking on the door. I like mike sooo much, but i don't know how he is going to deal with my family and that is an important thing to me. I would like for him to get along with them. I want to be with him, but at the same time i don't want to be with someone who slams my family. He really doesn't say anything against them, except about my sister, but she doesn't count. she is a bitch. Anyway....i got my senior pics back yesterday...brought them to school, i had fifty...i am down to seven. My mom is gonna kill me...i haven't given any to my family yet. CRAP...must get more printed.
~Jenn |
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(3 Face Hits | Hit me!) |
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| 02:55pm 14/12/2004 |
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mood: grumpy
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Okay so my life is turning into a big work forum. I go to school i come home i go to work, i go to bed and do it all again day after day and it is getting really tiring. i haven't eaten a meal without being sick in like two weeks. i've lost ten pounds. Right now i feel like barfing. this is a daily thing for me these days. I really like micheal a lot. He is nice to me and that is a rare thing with the guys i've dated. I don't know yet if our dating is something that will be socially accepted...prolly not but i don't give a fuck. He makes me happy. so, if you feel like disapproving...go ahead i don't care. |
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(Hit me!) |
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| 02:22pm 10/12/2004 |
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Stolen from Krista J!
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal...along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you:
I told her I hadn't thought about it, and she laughed and said I had an honest face. (Flowers for Algernon by Daniel Keyes) |
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(Hit me!) |
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| yesterday's entry part two |
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| 02:12pm 10/12/2004 |
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mood: worried
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Okay so mike has dated my sister before. This is beyond strange i know, but i like him a lot and he is very nice to me. i want to see him all the time and i know it is because we are at the very fringe of the beginning of our relationship if that is what you want to call it, but it is nice to have someone caring about me again. I pulled away from the world after my grandpa's death and many of my new friends didn't understand about my grandfather being so unbearable to lose. He was and still is my favorite person on earth and the only male that i could ever truly count on . Anyway...reading bonnie's entry made me think of my Grandpa's death and how i never really told anyone how horrible it felt. there are no words and i don't think there ever will be. He was just too precious to me. But yeah, this is now about my new relationship. I don't know whether to pursue it or to just let it die. He asked me to go out on a date with him on Saturday. I don't know whether or not to go. I better decide soon. oh well what the hell.
love ya,
Jenn |
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(Hit me!) |
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| Mike |
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| 02:18pm 09/12/2004 |
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Hey all. Jenny has made a mess of sorts about boys. I went over to Mike's house on Sunday night. I was supposed to be home by eleven and i didn't come rollin in until 1:30. i was with mike from like 6:30 till 1:30. When i was just getting ready to leave he kissed me. It wasn't one of those kisses you easily forget either. I had to stay. He kept saying he didn't want me to go because he didn't know when i would come back. Now all i want to do is go and see him. It was the first time we've crossed that line between friends and more than friends. I don't really know now where we are with our relationship or lack thereof. I like him in a different way than i've ever liked anyone. He is so nice to me it is almost strange. He gives me the feeling that he wouldn't ever hurt me. The problem with all of this is he is 26. He used to date my |
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jenners0515's journal